NERD SURRENDERS
Computer Wizard Captured, Gives Up Useful Secrets
AUTHORITIES, PUBLIC MAY NOW BE ABLE TO FIX THEIR OWN COMPUTERS
Computer users in Gig Harbor can breathe a sigh of relief, police announced yesterday after a recently captured computer wizard provided investigators with a laundry list of ways normal people can fix their own Windows-based computers.
"He gave up quite easily," Investigator PC Bluescreen told reporters. "We expected him to be like other computer guys - antisocial and closed-off. But this one was different. He spoke in complete sentences. We didn't believe it at first."
Looking antsy, he then added, "Sorry to cut this press conference short, but at the station we've got an infected computer and I can't wait to get started applying his secrets. No more questions please."
Computer users in Gig Harbor can breathe a sigh of relief, police announced yesterday after a recently captured computer wizard provided investigators with a laundry list of ways normal people can fix their own Windows-based computers.
"He gave up quite easily," Investigator PC Bluescreen told reporters. "We expected him to be like other computer guys - antisocial and closed-off. But this one was different. He spoke in complete sentences. We didn't believe it at first."
Looking antsy, he then added, "Sorry to cut this press conference short, but at the station we've got an infected computer and I can't wait to get started applying his secrets. No more questions please."
CAPTURE RENEWS DEATH PENALTY DEBATE
Prosecutor seeks execution for the crime of solving computer problems so effortlessly
"We spent eight hours reading the instructions and still couldn't fix it. He got it working in 5 minutes. So yes, we're gonna hang him."
Prosecutor seeks execution for the crime of solving computer problems so effortlessly
"We spent eight hours reading the instructions and still couldn't fix it. He got it working in 5 minutes. So yes, we're gonna hang him."
BRAIN SCAN RESULTS: LEFT AND RIGHT SIDES INTACT, HUMMING TOGETHER
Dr. Polymath Youngman: "He appears to be very strong technically but also speaks perfect English, makes pottery, plays multiple musical instruments and even eats with utensils." Page 2E
Dr. Polymath Youngman: "He appears to be very strong technically but also speaks perfect English, makes pottery, plays multiple musical instruments and even eats with utensils." Page 2E
JUDGE'S SENTENCE: SPONSOR CHOWDER COOK-OFF
Save the date: Saturday September 24, 2011 for the 11th annual chowder cook-off at the Gig Harbor Farmers Market Uptown.
Come to the BehavePC tent for free computer advice as you stuff your face full of chowder. John will understand your questions even if you talk with your mouth full!
Save the date: Saturday September 24, 2011 for the 11th annual chowder cook-off at the Gig Harbor Farmers Market Uptown.
Come to the BehavePC tent for free computer advice as you stuff your face full of chowder. John will understand your questions even if you talk with your mouth full!
WHIZ KID'S DATA RECOVERY SKILLS IRK MAGICIAN
David Coppershield threatens to disappear entire city after suspect recovers entire hard drive
"Good thing he's off the streets," said the celebrity magician in a rare off-stage appearance. "His magic tricks are better than mine and I was nervous."
David Coppershield threatens to disappear entire city after suspect recovers entire hard drive
"Good thing he's off the streets," said the celebrity magician in a rare off-stage appearance. "His magic tricks are better than mine and I was nervous."
OVERSEAS CALL CENTERS NOT VERY, HOW DO YOU SAY? HAPPY
"Depress numbers 1 if John makes poof the mysteries of inside windex systems. 2 for macapples. or 3 for slatetablets. Hold please. Our sorry, all pair speaker English technicians with other luckycustomer." Click!
"Depress numbers 1 if John makes poof the mysteries of inside windex systems. 2 for macapples. or 3 for slatetablets. Hold please. Our sorry, all pair speaker English technicians with other luckycustomer." Click!
SCHOLARS DUMBSTRUCK
Professors claim Nerd's knowledge of Windows, Macs, iPhones & iPads off the charts, compels Computer Science curriculum overhaul. Page 3E
Professors claim Nerd's knowledge of Windows, Macs, iPhones & iPads off the charts, compels Computer Science curriculum overhaul. Page 3E
DIGITAL FORENSICS TEAM:
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and fear he may be writing others."
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